Feeling the Feels on Dad’s B-day

March 1, today would’ve been my father‘s birthday. My father has been gone for over 30 years, but for some reason today there is an exponential influx of feelings and emotions running through my physical being. Why am I having such a delayed reaction? Or is there something that’s coming up for healing?

My first inclination is to distract myself, I have never been one to open to lengthly ugly cries. However I am going on my daily walk and tears are running down my face, big giant sobs coming from my chest, the memory of him is incredibly overwhelming in this moment.

I’ve had visits from my father since he has crossed over, and my son, his namesake, has also had visits from him which I find incredibly beautiful because my son was only 2 years old when my father passed away.

I remember when I was going to name my son after my father, no one or no thing was going to stop me from doing so. It was like a contract that needed to be completed. The irony of it is there are so many traits of my father’s that my son now embodies. It’s hard not to look back on that scenario and know my Higher Self was guiding his name in because of this.

As my son grew older, we were living closer to my father’s siblings. There was a strong drive within my son to get to know his grandfather‘s family. He got close to his uncle and got to know his aunt before she died as well.

Now as I bring my thoughts back to my emotional eruption, on this day of my fathers birth, my conscious mind reels, wondering what this emotion is all about. Within the past week I have been doing some deep dives into family trauma and I become curious as to whether these feelings are related to something that needs to be healed within my father‘s lineage. Is he coming to me now to ask forgiveness? Is he trying to get my attention to work with that side of the family line because he knows this has been brought into my awareness? Or am I just bringing up my inner child who spent so many years without her dad after her parents divorced? Perhaps she is just crying out and still morning that loss?

The thing about healing ancestral trauma and wounds, it’s never a quick answer or a fast process. It requires hours of going within, decades of unfolding, and asking for guidance from the ancestors, co-creating a space for triage and for healing.

So for now I will continue my walk of sadness, tears rolling down my face, leading all the feelings and emotions that rise up, through and out. I embody them. I cherish them for their ability to bring me to this conscious awareness of what I have not yet uncovered.

“I am sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” - Ho’oponopono Cleansing Prayer